Creating Myself


Original photo by Derrel R. Todd | Original art by me

I don't know how many times I've tried to write this. Every time, I think I'm ready to start, I either get sidetracked or I'm at a complete loss of words. Then, it finally dawned on me. I don't write that way. I never actually sit down to write. Well, not when I'm writing for myself anyway. Usually the thoughts and words just randomly come to me and I stop whatever I'm doing at the time to either jot them down or type them out in 'Notes' on my phone before my mind takes me off and onto my next adventure.


So why now?


Well, I just got a new phone, which I've had since last Tuesday, that I haven't activated yet. It's actually still sitting in my bedroom, sealed in the very packaging inside the box that it was delivered in. I know, I know, who does that right? I can explain though. See I have an upcoming trip that I've been planning for, so I've been trying to be an adult and get everything in order before I leave. Therefore, I've been insanely busy. But aside from that, I have so much stuff on my phone that I have to backup and since I don't entirely trust The Cloud, I have to do a triple backup, which includes my computer, eternal hard drives, and journals. I'm a little anal about my stuff, but that's a different post. So, I was going through my notes and writing down the things I'd written when I came across this poem.


You live your entire life

Having finally figured it all out

Thinking you know yourself

And what life is all about

Then something comes along

And makes you question everything

Yourself, your life, even your reality

Flipping that shit upside down

Challenging you

Bringing to life the unimaginable

And in what feels like a blink of an eye

Is enough to change your everything


My everything is Art. It always has been. It always will be. For life itself is Art. I'm not certain about many things, but this is an absolute. I'm currently reading a book, "A Beautiful Anarchy" by David duChemin. David is a photographer who sold all of his shit and traveled the world. In the book, he explains how humans long to create, but being creative isn't just limited to what most would consider art. Creating encompasses any and everything, creating life, creating businesses, creating moments, you name it. Creating is involved. Truth is, everyone is creative, but everyone doesn’t harvest their creativity. I do. I create. I Art. I always have, but not with myself and definitely not with my life.


"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." ~George Bernard Shaw


I didn't understand that until I made that decision two years ago. I decided that when I turned 30, I would recreate myself. And that's exactly what I did. I blew up what was my entire world as the time and picked up whatever pieces still remained. And underneath all of the debris and rubble was my burning desire to create. I wanted to create a better life for the kid. I wanted to create long-lasting experiences. I wanted to create Art.


Photo by Derrel R. Todd | Edit by me

Life is funny. I'm not sure what made me check LinkedIn that night, but it led me to where I am today. Or how saying something as simple as "I'm hungry" can change your life forever, which it has. And I'd be lying if I said stranger things have happened, but it hasn't...at least not yet. I feel like I'm in a maze that I'm not trying to escape from. I have no idea what path I'm on or where I'm going. I just know that I am creating it. I'm not really sure what I'm creating. My final artworks has never been entirely cohesive with what I had planned. In fact, they usually turn out better than what I had envisioned. Hopefully, this proves to be true with my life as well. And maybe somewhere along way, I'll finally activate my new phone.

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